have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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