This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
