I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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