I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
