so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
