I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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