3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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