I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
