For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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