During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
