Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
