How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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