I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
