I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
