I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
