so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
