Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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