my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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