I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
