I'm jealous of your bromance
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
