I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
