The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
