I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
