apparently the secret to your success is patron
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
