I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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