I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize