if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
