i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She's the barista slut.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
