...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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