i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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