i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
