god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
