I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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