How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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