I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
