I wish my penis had an off switch
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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