On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We left the knife in your bed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
