whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
