Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
