I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
