Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
