I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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