the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
