Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
