I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
