Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
