I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So many bounce houses so little time
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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