Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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