Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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