I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
