Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She told me I should be a condom model.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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