he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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