Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
