Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
