somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
