i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
