shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
