I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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