If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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