carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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