Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
