So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I've blown a few things in my day
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
