I think my fart just growled at me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize