Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
