i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize